


Enjolras is unamused with his insurgents

by thepeopletoomustrise



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Gen, in which Enjolras is feeling especially bitchy, really though, which is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-16 15:27:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/863578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepeopletoomustrise/pseuds/thepeopletoomustrise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If you’re not too busy swooning or drinking and you’re actually listening to this speech, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this is going to be a rough fucking ride."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enjolras is unamused with his insurgents

**Author's Note:**

> For the following prompt: "Enjolras expresses his disappointment to the Les Amis just like that insane sorority girl's email."
> 
> Basically, a spin off of the Delta Gamma Sorority email that was sent from a chair of a house to her sorority sisters. It's all over google if you'd like to read it. Definite crack!fic.

Enjolras stares at the paper in his hands. It's a beautifully crafted speech that he spent too much time drafting; but when he looks out into the room of his comrades, he crinkles the paper in his hands and grits his teeth. Today, there is no time for flowery language and carefully revised prose; it's time to make his point known. No more nice Enjolras. It's fucking go time.

He clears his throat, "If you’re not too busy swooning or drinking and you’re actually listening to this speech, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under barricades, which apparently is the majority of Les Amis, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of revolutionary propaganda and general protest interactions with the whole damn city of Paris. I've been hearing reports of people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself 'But oh em gee Enjolras, I've been struck to the bone in a moment breathless delight! My world has been changed with just one burst of light!', then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck, and Patria does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to meet alleged ghostly women on the street. You have 364 days out of the fucking year to meet alleged ghostly women on the street, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. FRANCE BEFORE PANTS, YOU ASSHOLES. This week is about preparing for the barricades, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and complain about your lonely soul. Newsflash you stupid cocks: DISTRACTED REVOLUTIONARIES DON’T LEAD SUCCESSFUL REVOLUTIONS. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: THE PEOPLE WILL NOT RISE IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way (in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you), WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have been drinking and playing dominoes at the Barriere du Maine INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY DOING WHAT YOU’RE FUCKING ASKED. Are you people fucking slow? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to tell me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to any more daytime riots.

If I openly said 'Yeah we're gonna invite the bonapartists over,' would you be happy? WOULD YOU? Which, by the way, you SHOULDN'T be post protesting with the other parties, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that party. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other Amis to leave with you or I swear I will hit you with my FUCKING FLAG.

'But Enjolras!', you interrupt in a whiny little bitch voice as you listen to this speech, 'I've been passing out pamphlets, doesn’t that count?' NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT FUCKING PROTESTS TOO. I've not only heard about people being fucking WEIRD at riots (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like 'durr I love Napoleon' is not fucking funny), but I’ve heard about people (by people I mean a certain someone whose name rhymes with shmarius) actually cheering for Napoleon. For. Fucking. Napoleon. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about your lonely soul, YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN CAUSE AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE I NOT TOLD YOU THAT FRANCE DOES NOT NEED CORSICA TO BE GREAT? ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to be in Les Amis de l’ABC that you think being a good little supporter our little community is going to make the people rise? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, AND IT ESPECIALLY WON’T CONVINCE PEOPLE TO JOIN OUR CAUSE. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you complain, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

'Ohhh Enjolras, I'm now crying because your monologue has made me oh so so sad.' Well good. If this speech applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that talks about your straight problems during my political meetings or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S REVOLUTION.

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. YOU WILL GET FUCKED UP. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this speech and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS REVOLUTION. I would rather have 40 insurgents that are dedicated, can handle a gun, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking idiots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't fight in the revolution I’ve got girl problems,” then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a damn cock block for Les Amis. Seriously. I swear to God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's revolution, I will tell you to leave even if you’re a good shot. I'm not even kidding. Fucking try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a shit. Go fuck yourself and have a nice fucking revolution."

 

**Author's Note:**

> So this was basically just an Enjolras-edited version of the aforementioned email - some parts did remain the same (including the painfully misused grammar) but I think it made the story more entertaining. 
> 
> I hope this made you smile. :) This is dedicated to all of you fine people who leave such kind comments; I love sharing my awkward sense of humor.


End file.
